Ruminations from the Shadows

I’ve been struggling with some intense sadness and loneliness the last few weeks.  It hit me particularly hard this Sunday morning when I was walking Juno – admiring the beauty of the day while simultaneously saturated in emotional density.  And the words that came out of my mouth surprised me (yes, I talk out loud to myself), and what I said was this: no woman, no amount of activity, no form of intimacy will fill this deep void meant only for God!

I’m sure some of it is the fact that I am less than two weeks away from my 51st birthday, then add in living in a new city, having a new job and then there is the fact that I have been single for over 6 years.  Some of it is reality; some of it is age, and some of it is the depression I have lived with on and off with for four decades.

And some of it is where I am in my recovery.  I started re-working the 12 Steps last year and I have gone deeper than ever before into me, into God and in closeness with my Sponsor.

One of my commitments to my spiritual development and journey is to never judge nor shrink back from the shadowy parts of me, and of life.  As a true-blue Scorpio (the sign of sex, death, and rebirth) and someone with an attraction to mysticism, my experience is that God is to be found just as deeply in the shadows as in the light; that God is found everywhere I choose to embrace the all-pervasive Presence.

Walking into the shadows intentionally can be mind-blowing and emotionally disruptive, just ask anyone who has done a thorough 4th Step and they will tell you).  Walking intentionally into the darkness within can lead to feelings of “Stuckness & Suckness” and lead us deeper into the parts of life where anger, resentment, and fear dwell – places where God’s loving and healing power must touch.

And that, my friends, is where I find myself again.

I am feeling so stuck these days that all I am ‘feeling’ is resentment and anger, which can be quite dangerous for this ragamuffin if left unchecked.  But awareness and honesty are two ways through it for me, and I am quite aware of it and I am ‘sharing’ it.

A few years ago, I had a major spiritual breakthrough (that started as a spiritual breakdown) when I came to know that I no longer wanted to, nor could, be the servant of another person’s dream for that equates to spiritual slavery for me.

In the end, I am the one responsible for my own happiness.

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“The Circle” (Cynthia Bourgeault)

“In contrast to virtually the whole salmon-swimming-upstream orientation of the perennial wisdom—that the way to God is ‘up,’ moving from lower to higher—Jesus here places his entire bet on the process of inter-abiding: I in you, you in me, all in God, God in all.

It is not a ladder but a circle that brings us to God: the continuously renewed giving and receiving which in its totality is where God dwells.”

-Cynthia Bourgeault, The Wisdom Jesus

 

“God is all that we dream of…” (Douglas Wood)

From the website Inward/Outward: In Old Turtle by Douglas Wood, we read a story about what the wise Old Turtle says to creation before humans come into the world, who will be reminders of all that God is.

“But now the Old Turtle began to speak. “God is indeed deep,” she said to the fish in the sea; “and much higher than high,” she told the mountains. “He is swift and free as the wind, and still and solid as a great rock,” she said to the breezes and stones. “She is the life of the world,” Turtle said to the willow. “Always close by, yet beyond the farthest twinkling light,” she told the ant and the star. “God is gentle and powerful. Above all things and within all things.” “God is all that we dream of, and all that we seek,” said Old Turtle, “all that we come from and all that we can find.” “God is.””

-Douglas Wood, Old Turtle

10 Spiritual Reminders for the Journey

Here are some things to Remember (Re-Member):

  1. We are all always Blessed.
  2. To be “spiritually awake”…seeking God always in all ways.
  3. To create Sacred Space in your life: make room for God in all areas of your life.
  4. To practice Hospitality to all – give to all, serve the poorest and neediest, and remember to receive, rather than take when offered.
  5. God’s abiding, faithful Love daily.
  6. All of us are God’s great work of art, regardless of one’s religion. Remember: everyone is created by the Creator.
  7. That becoming disgusted with “worry” and “fear” (especially of the future) is good – it convinces us to let go and enjoy the Present Moment of the Presence Who is a Present Reality. 
  8. To seek and live a life that is extraordinary, transparent, loving, and compassionate…remember to simply be the person God created you to be.
  9. To seek spiritual renewal daily through such disciplines as prayer, living deeply in Sacred Words, silence, service, contemplation, meditation, being in creation, and do it all wrapped in gratitude.
  10. To nurture your love for God and neighbor and to let God’s love nurture you by listening and speaking openly, truthfully, and transparently with God each day, as often as possible; for that is the definition of “true prayer.”