I’ve been struggling with some intense sadness and loneliness the last few weeks. It hit me particularly hard this Sunday morning when I was walking Juno – admiring the beauty of the day while simultaneously saturated in emotional density. And the words that came out of my mouth surprised me (yes, I talk out loud to myself), and what I said was this: no woman, no amount of activity, no form of intimacy will fill this deep void meant only for God!
I’m sure some of it is the fact that I am less than two weeks away from my 51st birthday, then add in living in a new city, having a new job and then there is the fact that I have been single for over 6 years. Some of it is reality; some of it is age, and some of it is the depression I have lived with on and off with for four decades.
And some of it is where I am in my recovery. I started re-working the 12 Steps last year and I have gone deeper than ever before into me, into God and in closeness with my Sponsor.
One of my commitments to my spiritual development and journey is to never judge nor shrink back from the shadowy parts of me, and of life. As a true-blue Scorpio (the sign of sex, death, and rebirth) and someone with an attraction to mysticism, my experience is that God is to be found just as deeply in the shadows as in the light; that God is found everywhere I choose to embrace the all-pervasive Presence.
Walking into the shadows intentionally can be mind-blowing and emotionally disruptive, just ask anyone who has done a thorough 4th Step and they will tell you). Walking intentionally into the darkness within can lead to feelings of “Stuckness & Suckness” and lead us deeper into the parts of life where anger, resentment, and fear dwell – places where God’s loving and healing power must touch.
And that, my friends, is where I find myself again.
I am feeling so stuck these days that all I am ‘feeling’ is resentment and anger, which can be quite dangerous for this ragamuffin if left unchecked. But awareness and honesty are two ways through it for me, and I am quite aware of it and I am ‘sharing’ it.
A few years ago, I had a major spiritual breakthrough (that started as a spiritual breakdown) when I came to know that I no longer wanted to, nor could, be the servant of another person’s dream for that equates to spiritual slavery for me.
In the end, I am the one responsible for my own happiness.