Surrender to Win…

A note from Niles: You may have notice that the name has subtly changed from Wild Monk to Wild Mercy…click HERE  for a small explanation.

Corrie Ten Boom once said “don’t wrestle with God, just nestle with God.”  She and her family helped many Jews escape the Nazi Holocaust during World War II by hiding them in her closet. She went to prison for those actions.  She wrote an amazing book called The Hiding Place, read it if you need inspiration.

Wrestle, don’t nestle is what my brain tells me.  No, no, no, nestle don’t wrestle says another voice, a small whispering one.

If I am honest, I choose not to nestle most days.  I choose to wrestle.  I think I get some sort of pleasure from it or else why do it.  In the Old Testament we are told Jacob wrestled an angel; and the angel “touched” him giving him a permanent limp for the rest of his life – a reminder that we can choose to wrestle with God but we are the one ones who walk away limping.

As a person in recovery, I am told by my recovery program to surrender, all the time, and to surrender everything…EVERYTHING!

I do not surrender easily. The words from others living recovery whisper above the din in my heart: Surrender to Win.  Bullshit says my brain.  This being the same brain that told me in my early thirties that drinking and doing drugs was okay, I could handle it, even though my father and his father were raging alcoholics.

I am supposed to listen to this particular brain of mine, the one that gets me twisted in knots and vainly trying to outwit God? But still I do listen to this fractured brain of mine.

My brain says surrender and lose everything. Jesus says surrender and find life.  My brain says” gimme, gimme, gimme, I need some more.”  Jesus says give, give, give and you will receive good measure, over flowing.

Hmmm, but my brain is a whack job. If I am honest, in the last few days I have entertained my brain far too often, listening to its lies and bravado and inconceivable notions all while pushing God’s gentle voice to the wayside.

My heart has been patiently waiting in the wings, whispering words of hope and truth, words like “God is with you no matter how you feel; the Kingdom is within; you must die every day in order to truly live; surrender to win; I AM with you always, All Ways!”

Could it be that the message of sobriety and spirituality are finally taking hold in my heart and beginning to become part of my life? Surrender to win is not usually what my heart would whisper to me. But today it has been.

I hate surrendering because most of the time I confuse surrender with resignation, and resignation leaves a bittersweet, metallic taste in my mouth.   They are not the same. Surrender is active and faith-filled; resignation is passive and fear-filled.

So, which do I believe? My brain which got me into this mess or the God Who has been my ever-present help in a time of need?

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