Musings from the Shadows

My world feels more like PISSibility than Possibility.

I am feeling so stuck these days that all I am ‘feeling’ is resentment and anger, which can be quite dangerous for this ragamuffin if left unchecked.  But awareness and honesty are two ways through it for me, and I am quite aware of it and I am ‘sharing’ it.

I have had two spiritual epiphanies, ones that may seem simplistic, but have begun to rip open my eyes and heart that changes must be made or my soul will continue to wither: one, I have realized I can no longer be the servant of another person’s dream for that equates to spiritual slavery; and two, I have unfortunately placed my financial security in the hands of someone other than me (someone who has not the right nor the acumen to be in such a position).

Both of these truths remind me that I am the only one who is responsible for my happiness and the integrity of my journey. I am not blaming anyone, nor spreading darkness. I am merely speaking my truth in order to regain the power I have: the power of choice in sobriety.

I must lean hard on God, even as I am in the midst of much doubt and struggling with my spiritual life and condition. I must allow God the freedom to poke, prod, prune and do a new thing, a completely new thing – within and without. I must once again, surrender my will and life over to the care of a wildly loving God (see Step 3 of the 12 Steps).

I am still in that ‘fear place’ I wrote about earlier. I am sinking in cynicism and despair. I am trying to make choices that will free me up, that will feed my soul, but I am not doing such a hot job. I am stuck in some freaking magical thinking vortex, still believing that God will pull some ‘Deus ex Machina’ and come rescue me like some fairy tale damsel in distress.

Now God can indeed do whatever God desires, like pull a Deus ex Machina, but for me to be married to some specific outcome is dangerous. It can leave me myopically stuck staring at the “one thing” I desire while the greater thing I need passes me by.

I am fond of saying there are no spiritual victims or villains in my world. I can no longer blame my alcoholic father or my mom for anything in my life; I can no longer blame society, or my brothers, or even my addictions for my state in this life. I alone am responsible for the choices I have made. God did not force them on me, nor did my family.

But oh how it would be nice for some miracles, some out of the ordinary experience, to come into my life out of left field. I still want that. But wanting it and obsessing about it are two different things: the former is human, the latter is deadly.

In truth, my life is surrounded by cracks of light in the shadows, miracles abound everywhere if I just re-orient my definition of one. I am blessed with another day where I wake up sober (and I have for years now). I have a cozy room with everything I need. I have a car that not only runs but is exactly the kind of car I have wanted for a while (a 2004 Isuzu Rodeo!). I have a dog that is healthy and I adore, who brings me joy simply by her very existence. I have friends who love me, sometimes in spite of myself, sometimes because of myself. I am free to speak my mind and heart in this blog and not be shot or hauled off to jail for violating speech laws.   I am blessed.

And this is why I write.

This writing alone has allowed me to go from bleakness in the beginning to a sense of gratitude by end. This piece was written over a span of three days, days that have been Autumnal in temperature and rainy from Hurricane Joaquin drenching us here in the Mid-Atlantic States. But even in the supposed dreariness of the day, I rejoice in the Creator’s care for the Earth and for me – we both need rain water to thrive. So even in the rain, I am left with a sense of shadowy gratitude.

As Brother Francis used to say to me decades ago, “an attitude of gratitude is what makes life full of miracles.”

So at this very moment, this divine now, I am grateful for the “pissibilities” turned into possibilities.


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