The wheels in my head have been spinning wildly the past few weeks, spinning over trying to figure out what the next steps of my life are to be, or what God wants me to do. I know change must occur, for my safety and sanity, but the details are elusive, like grasping at a wisp of smoke.
This leads me to ask: why is knowing God’s will so hard?
There are some things about God’s will that are easy for me to know, things like staying sober, staying on my healing journey, practicing love and compassion, praying constantly, seeking God in all ways, in all things, and in all people. Those are obvious…to me.
But the minute details of God’s will cause me much consternation, lack of sleep even; which is itself a contradiction. I am told by God not to worry, trust that the day will be provided for and know that if the lilies of the field neither sow nor reap yet they are the beauties of God then all shall be well for you and me.
But trust is elusive and sometimes those are just words on a page.
I want to know …specifics; specifics like what job, where to live, should I jump off the cliff and pursue the dream that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt God has placed in my heart? Or should I wait, wait, wait? My ‘Nana’ sent me some wisdom the other day, saying “until God opens the next door, praise him in the hallway.”
I love it. I get the feeling I am in the hallway, waiting, for the minutiae details of God’s specific will and plan for me to be revealed. Did you read that as I wrote it: intentionally laying out the obsessive need for perfection in specifics instead of child-like trust in a loving and faithful God?
I know it does not happen that way – learning God’s will is more about trust and leaning. I trust God to give guidance, examples, circumstances that are just for me so that I know God is intimately in the details of it all. And leaning, well I must lean hard on God. If all the knowledge and information came at once, well then I’d forget God and lean on the information given rather than the Giver.
God wants me to relax into him, trust, surrender, and release all. If I am practicing those disciplines then I am compelled to ask this odd question: does it even matter what choices I make, if I am seeking God, loving God, hungering for God to be revealed through my actions and life?